The Coffee House Philosopher

Oh to be able to say precisely the right thing at just the right time. That is to say, one would be able to reply to an insult with a real zinger that puts the resident smart aleck in his place. And at the same time, the zinger would not be so “over the top” that it gets the person hurt, physically or emotionally. A pretty tall order for your “average Joe,” but some people definitely have the talent to live on the edge.

One of the best at this was none other than Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill, of whom it can be said, “he weaponized the English language, and sent it into battle.” In World War II when England stood alone, and was going through its most difficult days, his inspirational speeches were about the only thing the country had going for it. (A recent movie has been made about Churchill’s becoming prime minister called “The Darkest Hour.”)

At the time he was elected as prime minister of England, he was not at all a popular choice among United Kingdom leaders. In World War I, he had developed the reputation of being an ill-advised adventurer while serving as First Lord of the Admiralty.

At the beginning of World War II, the country’s main army had been forced off Europe’s mainland after almost being wiped out. And around the world, Great Britain was experiencing one major military disaster after another. After reviewing his speeches to the nation during this time, few would disagree that his inspirational speeches made a critical difference in England’s survival. And thus they were a major factor in keeping the free world from sinking into what he termed “a new dark age.”

Though most of his fame for making speeches involved military subject matters, Churchill could also be a formidable opponent when wielding verbal barbs in social settings. In some instances, Churchill’s wit even took on a “bit of a nasty sharpness” that could be readily drawn when he was confronted with dicey social situations.

The following are some examples of his retorts given in such instances. Unfortunately they cannot be verified as readily as were his speeches made on military matters. Even the identities of parties involved are less than certain, though his opponent in many of these tête-a-tête affairs was none other than Lady Nancy Astor, a veritable Titan of polite British society.

On one such occasion, Churchill had been making a critical point when he ended one of his sentences with a preposition – a definite “no-no” according to most grammatical authorities. A card carrying member of the grammar police reacted almost immediately, pointing out that this was not acceptable language practice – in any case, definitely not preferred. Churchill’s response was, “Madam, this is an outrage with which I am not about to UP WITH PUT.”

In another social setting, Winston was apparently in a dark mood, and had most likely been over-served in the “liquid courage department,” leading a detractor to loudly remark, “Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!” To which Churchill replied, “And you Madam, are ugly. And tomorrow I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly.”

But true to the old adage that what goes around comes around, Churchill on occasion found himself on the receiving end of a verbal barb. He did not insult many cooks, and thus one could say his overly generous profile was more than a bit on the pudgy side. Nevertheless he chose to ridicule a political feminine detractor with the statement of “Having a woman in Parliament is like having one intrude on him in the bathroom.” Pausing only briefly, the lady coolly replied, “Mr. Churchill, you’re not handsome enough to have such fears.”

Even more embarrassing was the time when he received an invitation to attend one of Lady Astor’s elaborate masquerade balls. In a bit of a snit, Churchill asked the lady, herself, as to what possible disguise he could wear to the “stupid occasion” so that he would not be quickly recognized. To this less than civil inquiry, Lady Astor replied, “Why don’t you come sober, Prime Minister?”

But on the majority of occasions, Churchill’s quick wit prevailed even though sometimes he could be less than charming. On one such occasion when Churchill was being particularly obnoxious, an offended woman stated “Mr. Churchill, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your tea.” Churchill’s retort was, “Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.”

But for most of his life, Churchill was a diplomat. And even though diplomacy wasn’t always his strong suit, he offered his own opinion as to what its objective should be. “Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.”

Thus though he accomplished much good for the free world, Winston Churchill was not without his darker moments. And in closing I’ll leave the reader with one of his deeper musings that deals with the world’s distribution of wealth – an issue which is still much debated today. “The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.”

Yes indeed, Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill was assuredly no saint, but most fortunately he was quite a quick-thinking, articulate man.